The Beer Joke Page
The Beer Joke Page
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move
at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and
socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Bang!
2 brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning. They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite
brew and head out for a day of hunting. They had their special field that they went to every time, but for the past few weeks
their spot was really slow. Today they decided they would give it another chance. They sat in their field for hours without
seing a single bird. They finished their beer and were getting vey bored. They decided that it was time to find a new spot. So
Ralph and Dexter stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they seen this field behind an old farmhouse just
full of geese. The brothers new that they would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used paper,
rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask. So Dexter lost and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited
behind. When Dexter got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he had a favor to ask of Dexter
before they started hunting. The farmer said, "my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the
heart to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me." For the opportunity to hunt in the
field Dexter said that it would be no problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed for the barn. Ralph came running behind
Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter ha a pretty good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young,
naive little brother and said,"that bastard farmer won't let us hunt in his field so i'm gonna teach him a
lesson." "What are ya gonna do, Dexter." "I'm gonna shoot one of his horses." So Dexter Walked
into the barn, took aim and "BANG", shot the horse. Next thing was "BANG! BANG! Let's get out of here
Dexter, I just shot two more."
Lottery Winner
There's this guy who's sitting in the bar. He orders two pints, drinks one and pours the other between his legs.
The waitress comes around again and asks the guy if he'd like two more beers. He replies "Yes, two more pints." She brings
him two more and then notices that he poured one between his legs. She asks him: "What are you doing, sir?" He says "Well miss,
I just won the 649 lottery and this is the only prick I'm sharing it with."
Drink Fast
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the
bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender
says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and
says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!
Well Done
There was this man who was supposed to go out on a business meeting but instead went to a bar with a friend. The man got
soo drunk he vomited all over himself. So he's sitting there, crying to the bartender and the bartender say to the guy,
"why don't you stick $20 in your pocket, go home and tell your wife that you went into this bar for one drink after
the meeting and this drunk ran across the bar and throws up all over you. So the man goes home, tells his wife the story. She
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, She says to his husband, I don't get it, there's $40 in here, The man
say, honey, you won't believe it but he shit in my pants too.
Honey
My wife came with instructions. Plenty of instructions. She instructed me on how to do everything all over again. And she
was quick to point out all my faults. I only came with two instructions......to show her how to use a beer opener...and how to
pick up the empties.
Fright Night
I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not
give me much of a fright .....but There is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear And that's
to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.
One of the Best
True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them
take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run
down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his
wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A
few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she
replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the
police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper
account.
The Other Side
Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about
their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment.He started out sweeping floors for
supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car
for his birthday." Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same
exact thing that happened to my son to yours exept he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner
of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday." Third guy says "Wow, that was
the same thing that happened to my son exept he swept flors for a realestate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place
and gave his best friend a house for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the
other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real
dissapointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has sevral boyfriends. Well, I
look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."
Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil
walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil
says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your
sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
Devil or God?
One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to
heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God
if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris...
to his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious,
doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful
woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole
in it and the woman doesn't!!"
Breakfast
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder and tells the bartender that his octopus is a musical genius.
I'll bet you $10 he can play any instrument. The bartender pulls out an electric guitar from behind the bar and says, Well
lets see him play this guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing just like Jimi Hendrix. The patron pockets the
$10. Next the bartender pulls out a trumpet, the octopus grabs it and his playing would make Dizzie Gillespie proud. ...$10
later Now the bartender pulls out bagpipes from behind the bar and gives them to the octopus. The octopus starts fumbling with
them for a moment, and the bartender says I think we stumpted him, he can't play those ! The octopus retorts: Play them ?!
As soon as I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off I'm gonna' fuck them !
Bad Date
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. After he finished the beer, he sits the empty bottle in front of
him and orders another beer. The takes that beer and pours it on his hand. He does this two or three times and finally the
bartender comes up to him and asks why he keeps pouring beer on his hand. The guy says, "I got to get my date drunk before
I go home!"
Beer Bottles
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees
the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers?
We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and
stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em
to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?"
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to
quit."
Good Luck
Did you hear the one about the juy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife
ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of then wre pregnant!"
Tequila
This guy walks into a bar, orders 10 shots of cuervo. Slams all 10 in about 30 seconds. The bartender asks "Are you
alright? Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy responds "Because I only have fifty cents."
Bloke
A bloke goes to a pub, and sees these two great-looking women sitting by the bar. "Beauty," he thinks,
"I'll give these two a go." So he walks over, introduces himself, and asks if he could buy them some drinks. They
accepted, and, fancying his luck, he bought them some more. After a few rounds the two women stand up and walk off without
saying anything. "Fuck" thought the bloke. After about half an hour one of the chicks walk back in and say
"thanks for the drinks." The bloke says "sure." She says "you know, my girlfriend's out in the car
with her legs spread, she wants to know if you want to smell her pussy." The bloke's getting real excited now and says
"Yeah! Sure!" The woman takes a big, deep breath, and blows in his face. "Smells good, hey?" hope you liked
it.
Fly in Beer
An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly
floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The
american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked
the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
German Shepherd!
A big, mean looking biker ties up a nasty german shepherd in front of a bar, walks on in, sets down, and orders a beer.
Shortly after, a gay man walks in and asks, "who owns that thweet doggie tied up in front?" The biker growls
"its mine, who wants to know?" The gay man replys "well, my poodle iths killing it." "What," the
biker roars with laughter, "the hell are you talking about? There is no way in hell your poodle can kill my german
shepard!" "Oh yeth there iths. Your dog iths choking on it!"
No more Pilsner
A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she
passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop
her up in the alley. The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the
boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley. The third day the same woman walks
in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner,
make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".
Ranger
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in
circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of
minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the
Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
Water
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best
black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him. He
says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the
time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's
fucking close to water."
7in7
A man bought a liquor store, and new nothing about the drinks. A man walked in and asked for a bl, the owner looked at
him and asked what a bl was and the man said it is bud light, the owner sold the bud light. An hour later, a brunett walked in
and asked for a cl, the owner said what is a cl and she said that it is coors light and he sold her that. A blonde then walked
in and asked for a "15" he asked what a fifteen was and she replied Thaaa 7 in 7.
Guinness
Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown
mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all
night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"
I Stopped Drinking
A man walks into the bar and says, "Give me three shots, one for both of my best friends and one for me." For
the next week the man goes into the bar and orders the same thing. Until one day he goes in and only orders two shots. The
bartender looked disturbed and said, "What happened, did one of your friends pass away?" "No," the man
replied, "I stopped drinking."
Guiness
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a
Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the
Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Bullfrog
This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked
the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass
!"
Poor Guy
Joe, the poor guy (he was so poor he never wore underwear), was standing at the bar in his favorite watering hole (so
poor he never had enough money to buy beer with, either most of the time) and after having a few decided he needed another. He
searched in all his pockets for some more money, even turning his pants pockets inside out in desperation. Finally finding some
more money in his shirt pocket, he ordered another pitcher of beer for himself. While he was downing his suds, another guy came
from the back of the barroom and, seeing Joe's pocket linings hanging out, decided to cut them off. After awhile, when
Joe's pitcher was empty, he started looking for more money to buy another pitcher of beer. He first put his right hand in
his pocket. The look on his face changed to one of puzzlement. He next put his left hand deep in his left pocket and his look
changed from puzzlement to amazement. "PRUNES??? PRUNES!!, he exclaimed, "where the hell did I get prunes?".
Now, if you want to tell this or change it so that it is a woman at the bar instead of a man, all you have to change is
what she says: "BRILLO PAD??? BRILLO PAD!!"
Pierre the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" So our
hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer was good enough for Marie, and things began to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our
hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you
doing?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They
resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his
ear:"Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her genital area. He grabs a match and
lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go Down in Flames!!
Enjoy your next beer!
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I
have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose
the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for
women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent
workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as
the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain
to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition,
you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation,
and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food
until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a
short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach
crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way
to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually
walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a
beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin
the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may
have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no
interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your
consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only
half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be
successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day
before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the
entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time.
Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation
for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.
i havet the abeasssst bear jokeaas I have ver herad.
tonight whenn tI waaas drinkining i raan inot a parking metr// i cursed the fuckn piece of shit. then i started too
fighte that fucking pice of shit. but the fucker was too strong, i coulnnt ger in agood kick. a cop came, he fuckn asked me
what i'mm doin!!!!g whatds it look like im doin? is says. the fuckn thing started it. it stole my damm quartr. they should
sel beer in them soada machhinees. Au Revoir. Cherio. Adios. Arivaderchi. Salut. Sionara. Ciao. Dache. Good Bye.
Drinking and Driving
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped
on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy
of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm
sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and
covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I
don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
Who Is That?
a guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success. A
policeman happens to pass by. "hey whats the trouble mister?" "I cant get the damn key in the lock" says
the man. The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way. the drunk shouts "wait wait, I really appreciate
it, let me show you my house!!" "No no, I'll just be on my way"says the cop. "no no just a second, I
really want to show you!! So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "there's my tv, my
stereo and all that" says the man. "thats nice" They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the
new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?" kids bedroom, "those are my 2 baby boys" "yes, they look cute"
finally the mans bedroom "that there's my wife, and thats me next to her."
Big Night
A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a
shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender
says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These
should help get the taste out of my mouth.
Drinking and Driving
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the
drinking-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys
into 5 different cars before his own. Then he sat in the front seat of his car fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes. Everyone else had left the bar. The police officer was just sitting and waiting for him. The officer was so excited to
be stopping this drunk! He stopped the driver and read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He even offered medical assistance if he was
ill. The driver just smiled at him and said that all was fine. It's just that officer I must confess I was just the
designated decoy for the evening!!!
Scotland
The scot is walking home from a bar and decides to take a nap in a nearby ditch. Later as a couple of girls stroll by one
says to the other," Hey, is it true they don't wear anything beneath those kiltsd?" The other says,"
let's take a look". So, after finding the lad bear butt, the one says," we should leave something to let him know
we were here." So, she ties her blue hair ribbon to his manhood. Upon waking the lad uncovers to relieve himself. When he
notices the ribbon he says," I don't know where you've been laddie but I see you took first place."
Superman
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to
the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over
to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later,
another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds,
"oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you
just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second
man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the
sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're
drunk."
Two Guys Driving And Drinking
Frank and Joe were driving around one night drinking beer. Frank looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a cop behind them
with his lights on. Frank begins to pull the car off on the shoulder and says to Joe, "Let me do all the talking. You keep
quiet. Now take the label off your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and stick the bottle under the seat, ok?" The
officer approaches the car and says, "Have you two been drinking tonight. You were swerving all over the road back
there." Frank replies, "No officer, we haven't been drinking." The officer replies again, "Are you sure
you haven't been drinking." Frank replies again, "No officer we haven't been drinking." The officer
replies once again, "You haven't been drinking?" "No," Frank replies. "I have one final question
for you then," says the officer, "What is that on your forehead?" Frank replies, "Officer we're
alcoholics and on the patch."
Diabetes
Two young fellows decided to open a microbrewery in the foothills. After several years of careful work they produced a
product with a golden strawlike color and a good strong flavor of hops. They sent it to the chemical lab at the State
Department of Food Safety and after waiting impatiently for three weeks the lab analysis came back, stating, "Dear Sir:
Our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates that your horse has diabetes."
Buffalo II
The Indian scout for the buffalo hunters, searching for the buffalo herd, put his ear to the ground. "Ugg", he
says, "Deer come!". "How the heck can you tell that?" asked one of the hunters. The scout answered,
"Ear sticky."
Misunderstanding
An indian walks into a saloon dressed like a cowboy. He goes up to the bar looks at the bartender and says, " Me
wantum beer." So the bartender gives him a beer. He drinks it. Goes into the bathroom, pulls out his six-shooter, shoots
the toilet, walks back out, grabs a bag, opens it and pulls out a cat, and takes a bite out of it. The bartender looks at him
and says, " Son, what in the sam hell are you doing?" The indian replied, " Me beum like the white man. Drink
beer, shoot shit, and eat pussy."
Better Just a Joke
A white man, a black man, and a mexican are walking on a beach. One man spots an old oil lamp, picks it up and rubs it. A
genie appears and says since there is three of them they only get one wish.
The black man thinks and says, "I wish that me and all the other blacks in America will be sent home to the native
land of Africa." The genie grants his wish and he and all the blacks are gone.
The mexican says yeah that's a good idea so he wishes the same thing but for all the mexican's.
The genie ask the white man if he would like something similiar to the other two. The man replies, "NO, I'll
just have a beer it doesn't get much better than this.
Better Just a Joke II
A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He sits down on a stool and puts the alligator on the bar. After
calling the bartender over he asks, " Do you serve niggers here?". The bartender replies," Yes we do. This is an
equal opportunity bar and Iwish you wouldn't use that term" To which the patron replies, "Good. I'll have a
beer and my alligator here will have a nigger."
A Piece of String
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says that he cannot serve a piece of
string. The piece of string moves on to the next bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says that he cannot serve a piece of
string. The piece of string, rather upset with its situation, begins to twist and turn itself into various positions and starts
pulling at its ends. He asks the bartender again, for a beer. The bartender replies that he cannot serve a piece of string. the
piece of string replies " I'm a frayed knot "
Genie
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The
bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he asks for a beer, something in the bag is moving around
shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the
bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and
pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the
bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a
foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says,
"Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, "I will grant
you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million
bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and
shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled,
and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million
ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Be Careful What You Wish For
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber
life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead
from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the
lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this
3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here.
Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein",
said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the
boat."
400$
Bob asks his wife to watch the bar for awhile as he has to run some errands.While Bob is gone an old friend, Fred, comes
in..orders a beer and asks for Bob..wife tells him he'll be back shortly.. while drinking his beer..he tells the wife if
she'll show him her right breast he'll pay her $100 dollars.. she thinks about it for awhile and says what the hell..
she shows him her right breast.. he pays her the money and tells her for peek of her left breast he'll pay her another
$100..she picks up her shirt and shows him her left breast..he pays her..orders another drink..and tells her, he'll pay her
$200 dollars to see both breasts and just rub them a little..she objects at first then says what the hell.. picks up her shirt,
shows off both breasts..Fred rubs them a little.. pays her, finishes his drink and leaves the bar.. a short while later Bob
comes back and asks how things were.. the wife tells him that an old friend of his stopped in.... Bob asks if it was Fred..and
the wife says yes.. Bob then asks if he left the $400 dollars Fred owed him!!!!!
Lena Buys a Beer
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Lena hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some
drycleaning. Goodness, it's hot, she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, why not?
Lena sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have. Lena said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink
I'll haff myself a cold beer." The bartender asked,"Anhauser Busch?" Lena, surprised, replied, "Vell
fine, tanks. And how's your pecker?"
The Golden Bar
A man comes home, very late, pissed out of his mind, to find his wife waiting for him at the door "WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN?" she screams, "it's 4 IN THE MORNING". He says "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going
to have one beer... but this bar, it was incredible. EVERYTHING in it was gold plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold
ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shotglasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was
gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept on ordering beers, so I could stay in the bar
and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's room to take a leak, they had gold plated urinals....it was
wonderful." "I don't believe that story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place
called?" "Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot." "You'll
have to prove it to me tommorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said. The next day, the man
looks through the Yellow Pages under BARS, but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars
listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no
luck. Finally he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold plated
stuff. "Here ,"the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask the bartender if I'm lying!" The wife
gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous
night....the rail, the shotglasses, the mirrors, the table posts and the cash register. Finally, she says, "Now, this may
seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do you?" The bartender puts the
phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell "HEY LOUIE!! I think I know who pissed in your saxaphone....."
The Ballerina
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as
a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for
another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the
end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a
drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The
drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"
The New Bouncer
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out of cash. The bartender knows, and
refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to three more, on the house, if he does three things.
First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping young man. Then he has to pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in
the back, and have sex with the town runaround who is sitting by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he
replies, and proceeds to the door where he knocks the bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the
back. The man nods, and heads off to pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking
loudly. "Ruff ruff ruff". Ten minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff
ruff". The bartender begins to worry until he finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins
at the bartender and says, "Ok, nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?"
The Blonde
A blond walks into a bar and says "I'll have a Coors Lite." The bartender gives her one, she passes out and
all the guys in the bar drag her into the back and have their way with her. The next night she walks in an orders a Coors Lite.
She passes out and all the guys in the bar drag her into the back and have their way with her. The next night she walks in and
says,"I'll have a Miller Lite." The bartender looks up and asks "Why aren't you ordering a Coors Lite
this time?" She looks back at him and says "It makes my pussy sore."
The Redneck
This redneck walks into a bar and says " give me a coke". The bartender says "nah, you want a beer. Every
night you come in and have three beers and leave." The redneck says " yeah but last night I had three beers here then
went down the street and had ten more beers. Then I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says "well it happens
to the best of us." The redneck says "you don't understand Chunks is my Pit Bull!
The Monkey
A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits to drink it. While he is sitting at the bar, his monkey
is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The bartender runs up to the man and says "Did you
just see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid fucker do this time?" "He just ate
the cue ball!!" "I hope it kills the dumbass" says the man. About two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar
with his monkey. While he is drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar,
picks it up, sticks it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender, having seen this, asks the man: "Did you just see what your
sick monkey just did?" Man: "No" Bartender: "He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it." Man:
"What do you expect, he measures everything first, after that pool ball."
The Bloody Bar
A thirsty looking big bad brown bear comes walking into the bar and yells, "bartender give me a beer!" The
bartender walks over to the bear and confidently says, " sorry but we don't serve beers to big bad brown bears in this
bar." This kind of angers the bear who is growing thirstier by the second. So, the bear leans on the bar and says, "
just give me a beer." The bartender just replies again," sorry but we don't serve beers to big bad brown bears in
this bar." The bear who is really pissed off now, leans over the bar and looks the bartender square in the eyes and
says," if you don't give me a beer, I'm going to go bite that girls head off!!", pointing to the women at the
end of the bar. The bartender just state's again," sorry but we don't serve beers to big bad brown bears in this
bar." The bear walks down to the girl...GGGGGRRRRRRRR.......COMP....Gulp. Bites her head off and swallows it whole. The
bear walks back over to the bartender, slams his bloody paws on the table and says," give me a ^%*$&$ beer!" The
bartender looks the bear straight in the eyes and says, "" sorry but we don't serve beers to big bad brown bears
WHO DO DRUGS in this bar." The bear, kind of confused, yells, "WHAT?" The bartender points to the half eaten
girl and says," that was a Bar-Bitch-U-ate."
Eire
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he
stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up.
Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again
tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!"
" How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The Constable approches... C: Can I help ya lad? I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car! C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it? I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key already in his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out. C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself? I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."
A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"
Shorts
A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"
Two condoms walked by a gay bar and one says to the other: You want to go in and get shitfaced?
Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.
A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A pony walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What's the matter with you?" I'm just a little horse!
Have you heard the new pickup line at the gay bars? Can I push you stool up for you.
Two guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!
Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the third guy would've ducked!
A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Panda Stories
Version 1
A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer."
The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure,
stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped
down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The
bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his
gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran
after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the
bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way.
The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the
shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!!!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could
do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: ?pan-da -- n. A large
bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings.
Eats shoots and leaves."
Version 2
A panda (yes, the animal with dark eyes) meets this gorgeous babe and decides to woo her. Manages somehow to get her
number and arranges for a date. On the evening of the date, he picks her up and takes her to a really nice restaurant. There
they have a wonderful dinner, champagne, candlelight ... well the works. The babe is suitably charmed and after dinner, they
proceed to her place. Before long, as things would have it, they'n78 re having this delicious romp in bed. But as soon as
it's over, the panda gets off the bed, brushes his fur in the mirror and makes for the door. The rather distressed babe
cries out at this point "Hey, this is not happening! You can t just take me out for dinner, bring me home, make love to me
and just leave like that!" The panda turns around, with a puzzled look on his face. He looks around the room and sees what
he s looking for. He walks over to the bookshelf, picks up the dictionary and looks for the correct page and word. He finds it,
walks over to the babe and points impatiently at the word. Thru tear-laden eyes, the babe reads : "Panda : an animal that
eats shoots and leaves".
Take Care
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a beer." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free beers was delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up on the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Guy Looses Girl Friend
A depressed guy walks in a bar and orders a drink. Bartender looks at him and says, "Man, you look bad---tough
day?" The patron responds, "Yea, I went home early to suprise my girl friend with an engagement ring. When I got
there, I found her involved in wild sex with my best freind."
The bartender says, "Gosh, that's a hard thing to deal with. What did you do?"
The guy responded that he did the only "manly" thing he could, which was toss his girl and all her stuff you in
the yard and tell her he never wanted to see her again.
The bartender then asked, "Well, what did you do to that best freind that was nailing her in the first place?"
The guy said, "Oh, I took care of him alright. After throwing my girl friend out, I sternly marched right back into
the room, pointed my finger at him, and told him "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!""
100$
A guy is sitting at the bar enjoying a draft beer when a great looking young woman sits down beside him and gives him a
dynamite smile. Just as he's figuring out his opening line, she says in a loud indignant voice that the whole bar can hear
"Your apartment! Absolutely not!" and she gets up and stomps off to the other end of the bar. He sits there in
confusion and embarassment, nursing his beer and wondering how to get out of there. After a while, she comes back, sits next to
him again, and says in a low voice. "Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
conducting an experiment to see how people react in unexpected stressful situations. Please accept my apology and let me pay
for your beer." The guy stands up indignantly and says at the top of his voice, "A hundred dollars?!"
Gay Beer
A young gay man, escorted by an enourmous German Shepherd, walked into a fern bar being tired and weary from the heat of the
day. Daintily, the gay man scoots up to the bar and sits on a stool while the German Shepherd lays on the floor at his feet.
The bartender scowls at the gay man and walks up to him.
"I'd like a really lite beer" the gay man says softly before the bartender can say anything. "Get out
of here!" the bartender says; "We don't serve your kind in this bar."
"I'll just sit over there in the corner and not bother anyone....If I can just get a lite beer" the
customer says with a dainty pout.
"No! Get out of my bar now!" the bartender shouts. The gay man gets a little offended... "If you don't
give me a beer, I'll sick my dog Max on you..."
The bartender looks at the enormous German Shepherd and says; "I don't care what you do -- get the $%#$% out of
my bar!"
The gay man sniffs in disgust; "That's it! ...Max, sick him!" and points toward the bartender.
The German Shepherd jumps up from the floor and leaps on top of the bar. Lunging at the bartender the dog knocks him over
behind the bar.
With teeth barred and his huge paws squarely on the bartender's chest the dog growls;
"Boowsie-Wowsie..."
A gay man is driving down the road in the middle of the desert. He notices a run down bar and stops for a drink. He walks in and asks for a beer. The bartender told him to leave, that he would scare the customers away. The gay man finnaly convices the bartender, but was told to sit in the corner, drink his drink and leave. The guy got the drink and sat down. About 5 minutes later, a big burly truck driver comes through the door. He said "Man I am so thristy, I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls!" Suddenly the gay man jumped up and said "Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!"
Strange
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, froth mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."
Where Are You From?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the
bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me
save you some trouble. She's a lesbian". The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says
"that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway." So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts
her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's
sitting down on the stool next to her he says "So, what part of lesbia are you from?"
Contest
There was a bar advertising a contest and a man walked in to find out what the contest was for. The bartender said it is
for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins fifty dollars. So the man asked where the horse was the bartender said out back
in the barn. The man went out to the barn when he returned he told the bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went out
and sure enough the horse was. About a month later the same man was passing the bar and they were having another contest and
the man wanted to see what it was so he went in. The bartender said the horse had not stopped laughing since he was last there.
The new contest was for who could make him stop got 100 dollars. The man went to the barn and came back and told the bartender
that the horse was crying and the bartender went to check. When he returned he paid the man and asked how he had done that. The
man replied that the first time I told the horse i had a bigger dick than he did, the second time i proved it.
Bad Snake
wo drunks were sitting side by side in a bar having a beer. The bar was high and the bar stools were tall. One of the
drunks departed to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he neglected to put the horse back in the barn and zip his pants. When he
came back, raising himself upon the high stool, his penis rested on the bar. The other drunk yelled, "A snake." and
hit it with his beer bottle. The first drunk said, "Hit it again, it bit me too!".
Skeleton
A skeleton walks into a bar one night and hops on a stool. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" The
skeleton says "get me Miller Lite." So the bartender gets him his beer and says "anything else?" The
skeleton says "Ya..........a mop.............."
Kiss my Ass
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Ilene?" The
guy is rather confused and asked " Ilene who?" The bartender relies " I lean over and you kiss my ass."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer.
While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him,"
You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I
bend over and you kiss my ass. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the
Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Ilene." The guy asks" Ilene who? ......
Pat
Pat comes home late one night and knocks on the door and his wife answers"Is that you Pat?. He answers "Yes it
is me." She asks and all you drunk Pat? and he answrs" So Am I"
Some Nerve
A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer,
give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He
walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The
bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strodes back
into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you,
you get too mean when you drink".
Fishing
Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning
some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with
a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one
wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake
was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in
the boat."
Bubba
Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a Police
roadblock ahead.
Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving agin?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No,
son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the
talkin'
They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?'
No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!
Two Drunks
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all
over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that
some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten
dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife
looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on
you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
A much better way to tell the string joke.
A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says,
"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to
the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm
sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he
hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve
strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He
trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry,
sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He
deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar.
"Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes
ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Beer Nut Joke
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at
him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but
neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her
boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has
a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two
fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the
father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the
smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Jackass
There was a man sitting at the bar when another man came in and sat down beside him. The bartender looked at te
second man and said "what do you want to drink jackass?" the man ordered a beer. After a while, the bartender asked,
"do you want another beer you old jackass?" then the first man looked to the second man and asked,"why do you
let him call you names like that?" the second man replied, "hee haw heehawlways calls me that.
Bear
A bear walks into a bar in Benson Arizona and says "Bartender give me a beer!". The bartender says "
sorry, we don't serve beers to bear in Benson Arizona!". The bear says " I don't care, give me a beer!"
The bartender again replies " Sorry, we don't serve beers to bear in Benson Arizona!". The bear finally says
" Bartender, give me a beer or else i'll go down to the end of the bar and eat that lady up!". The bartender
says" Do what you have to do ." The bear goes down to the end of the bat and eat the lady up, turns around and says
" bartender, give me a beer!" The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve drug addicts in here!" The
bear says " What do you mean you don't serve drug addicts?" The bartender replies " What about the
Barbituate?"
Beer Football Joke
A fat guy was in a bar one night when a gay guy walks in. The fat guy looks at the gay guy and says, "I don't
like gays, get out." The gay guy responds, "I am not gay, I'm like you, I love girls, football, and beer, please
let me join you." The fat guy finally agrees. The gay guy then says, " do you know how to play beer football."
The fat guy says no. The gay guy says, " it goes like this, I will go first, First I will gulp down a bottle of
beer," and he did, " then I will run down the bar and fart" he did. He then mentions, "see I got a
touchdown for drinking the beer, and the extra kick point from the fart." The fat guy then says, "I can beat you this
is easy." He drank the beer and ran down the bar and pulled down his pants. when he did this the gay guy ran up from
behind and placed his dick in the guys ass and said,"kick blocked."
Twins
Two guys are sitting at either end of Kelly's bar late one night when one of them looks up and says to the other,
"How's it goin'? You from around here?" The other guy says, "Upper West side.""Me too.
Wher'd you go to school?""PS-121""Hey, so did I!""What year did you
graduate?""1964""So did I!" "What street did you live on?""56th
Avenue""Geez,me too!""What'd your old man do for a living?""He was an iron
worker.""Unreal!Mine too!" Just then another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "What's goin'
on?" The bartender replies, "Not much...but the O'Brien twins are drunk again!"
Don't Worry
A guy goes into a bar and orders 5 shooters. The bartender asks him,"Geez guy are you okay?" The guy answers,
"I just found out my brother is gay." Same guy goes into the same bar a week later and orders 10 shooters. The
bartender again asks him, "Are you okay?" Guy awnsers, "I just found out my other brother is gay." Next
week guy goes into the bar and orders 15 shooters. "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like girls?" the
bartender asks. "Yes" replies the guy, "my sister."
Texas
A man entered a bar in a small texas town and ordered a beer. The bartender served him and then turned on the TV.
President Clinton was holding a news conference. The patron said, "oh, that horse's ass again!" The bartender
jumped over the counter and hit the man so hard he knocked him off the bar stool. "Sorry", said the man, "I
didn't know I was in Clinton country." The bartender said, "stranger, you're not in Clinton
country...You're in horse country."
Dusty
A skeleton walked into a bar and said, "Hey bartender...give me a beer and a mop!"
Names
A guy approaches a lady in a bar and strikes up a conversation. He asks her name, and she replies "Carmen".
"That's a lovely name", he says, "What made your mom pick it?" "Oh, my mom didn't pick it, I
did", she says. She can see he's confused so she explains, "I changed my name because I like cars and men, get
it?" "So what's your name", she asks? "Beerfuck"
Koala Bear
a koala bear goes into a bar and orders a beer.the bartender says "wow! i didnt know koala bears like beer!"
the koala says "yeah we like every thing you humans do" then he orders a steak. the bartender says
"really....you guys even like steaks?". the koala says " i told you we like everything you humans do ". the
bartender asks" do you like to eat pussy?".."duh" replies the koala.so the bartender informs him that down
the hall there is a prostitute.......so the koala finishes his beer and steak and goes down the hall.there he meets a whore and
proceeds to eat her pussy in a way only a koala could. after an hour the koala gets up and starts to walk away. the hooker
says"hey buddy...you owe me money" he says" no way". so she proceeds to open a dictionary ."see
PROSTITUTE...gives sex gets paid"...the koala indigently replies..."let me see that"...."see
look......KOALA BEAR.......eats bush and leaves"
Beer Theory
Beer drinking is much like re-entrance with a space craft into the atmosphere. If you enter the atmosphere with too a
steep angle, you will inevitably burn up. Conversely, if you have too a slant angle, you will bounce back into space. There is
only a small set of re-entrance angles that will allow safe passage. It's the same thing with beer drinking. If you go too
fast and have too much beer in a short period of time, you will most likely get too drunk too quickly. Conversely, if you drink
too slowly, you won't get drunk enough before getting bored and going home. However, if you drink at just the right pace
you will get the perfect amount of drunkenness!
The Monkey on the Bar
A man walked into a bar and sat down to order a beer. There was a monkey sitting at the other end of the bar and when the
barman served the drink, the monkey ran along and dipped his willy in it. The man was quite understanding, he simply caught the
barman's attention and said "I would like another drink the monkey just dipped his willy in mine"
"O'kay" the barman said, but before the customer could pick up his next beer the monkey did the same thing. The
man said, "can I have another the monkey has done it again?" This happened four times and when the customer asked for
another the barman said; "I'm sorry but the limit on free beers is three, you'll have to take it up with the
manager, he's over there playing the piano." "Are you the Manager?" "Yes I am" "Do you know
there's a monkey on the bar dipping his willy in my beer?" "No, but if you hum the first few bars I might pick it
up."
Drunken
A drunken man walks into a pub and see a couple at the bar. The boyfriend is around 7 ft tall and built like brick shit
house with a gorgeous girl on his arm. The drunk walks over to the bar and orders a whiskey and starts drinking. He notices
that the boyfriend has gone to the toilet so he say's to the girl "Do you know what I want to do to you? I want to rip
off your blouse and play with your breasts, then I want to rip off your skirt and kiss your cunt, then I want to fill your cunt
with beer and drink it". The girl is shocked with this and waits for her boyfriend to return. When he gets back she
say's "Do you know what that drunk just said? he said that he wanted to rip off my blouse and play with my
breasts". With this the boyfriend starts rolling up his shirt sleeves ready for a fight. "That's not all",
said the girl "he also said that he wants to rip of my skirt and kiss my cunt". With that the boyfriend picks the
drunk of the floor ready to kill him. "Thats not all" says the girl "he also said that he wants to fill my cunt
with beer and drink it". With this the boyfriend puts the drunk down and brushes him down saying "Sorry mate, anybody
who can drink that much must be one double hard bastard"!!
Bet
A bum enters a bar, orders a two dollar drink. When the bartender asks for the money the guy reluctantly hands over a
five and says "i bet you this five against a free drink that i can stare into my own face for thirty sesconds" well,
this sounded ridicolous to the bartender so he accepted his chalenge and felt stupid when the man pulled out a glass eye and
pointed it toward his own face. The bartender started to pour the man a drink when he was stopped with another offer. "I
bet i can bite my own earlobe, what about it, double or nothing?" Thinking this was a friendly attempt, the bartender
accepted the challenge. Just then, the man pulled out a set of dentures and "bit" his earlobe. the bartender
continued to pour the man his two free drinks and suggested he leave if he had no more than the five. Understanding this meant
"no more challenges" the man left and joined the now forming crowd near the dart board.. after last call, the man
(very drunk) approached the bartender with a hundred dollar bill: "I gotta piss, final bet, hundred dollars, i can fill a
sliding beer mug without spilling a single drop!" bartender thinks and finally accepts the drunk man's ambitious
challenge. he slides the beer mug across the table and after the glass crashed against the floor on the other side of the bar,
the drunk stood on the table and began pissing all over the bar, bottles and even the bartender himself. bet was obviously
lost. bartender grabbed the 100 dollar bill with his piss dripping hands, laughing proudly. the drunk turns and lets out a
victory yell, the bartender replies: "you lost 100 dollars, why are you laughing" "I bet the guys in the back a
thousand dollars i could piss on you and make you laugh about it"
Gorilla
This guy goes into a bar and sits down. He first notices there is a gorilla standing behind the bar staring straight
ahead. There behind him is is the bartender with a baseball bat. The guy says "whats this shit?" The bartender says
order a beer and you will see. So the guy does. The bartender cracks the gorilla on the head with the fucking bat. The gorilla
immediatly gets the guy his beer and then blows the bartender. See says the bartender. You not only get a beer but he gives
good head too. You want to come behind the bar and try it? Ok says the guy...but dont hit me as hard as you did him.
Aussies
A NZ Guy was in a pub in Australia and a regular customer suggested to him: - "I'll give you $200, if you let me
smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Kiwi thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer
pressure. The Aussie smashed the first bottle on the Kiwi's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing
nine bottles. - "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle? " asked the Kiwi. - "I am not a total
idiot," the Aussie replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
Duck
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the barman ..."got any bread?" the barman looks at the duck and laughs
"No way sport, this is a bar" The duck quickly responds: ..."got any bread?" the barman looks at the duck(
like the duck is a bit of a goose) and says; "i said this is a bar!" The duck looks around and says: ..."got any
bread?" The barman now has a case of the screaming shits and says: "look here- this is a bar, we dont sell bread - we
dont give bread away - we sell beer and mixed drinks - AND if you ask me for bread again im gonna nail your bill to the bar
front" The duck swallows twice and says; ..."got any nails?" the barman spews and says; "Of course i havent
got any %$#&ing nails!!!" the duck then says; ..."got any bread?"
Bitch
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the
guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask
how you got yours?" Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See*I was at the ticket
counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket
to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. ' And she socked me one." First guy: "Mine was a
tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.'
But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my fuckin' life you stupid bitch."
The Chicago Joke
Everyone knows that the Sears tower in Chicago is a very tall building. What a lot of people don't know is that there
is a bar on the fifty-third floor. Well, one day there were two guys sittin' at this bar getting torn-up drunk. So the
first guy, he turns to the second guy and says, "You know how they call this the windy city? Well, I'll prove it to
ya. I'm gonna open up that window over there and jump out. The wind will pick me right back up." So this man went
over, opened up the window, and jumped out. Sure enough, at right about the fifth floor, the wind picked him back up, and he
stepped in the very same window he had jumped out. The other man couldn't believe it. "Well, I'm just gonna have
to try that for myself!" he says. So he goes and jumps out the window and lands splat right on the ground. The first man
looks down, shuts the window, and heads to the bar. He says "Hey bartender! How 'bout another beer?" The
bartender just shakes his head and says "Alright, Superman, but you're a mean son of a bitch when you're
drunk!"
Beer Celebration
A guy walks into a bar and yells, "Bartender, bring me 12 beers!". The bartender begins to bring him beers and
says "12 beers? You must be celebrating for some good reason". The man says "As a matter of fact, I am. Today I
experienced my first blow job". The bar tender begins to place a thirteenth beer on the bar and says "My young man,
that is good cause for celebration. Here, have another on the house". The man replies, "No thank you. If twelve
won't get this nasty taste out of my mouth, thirteen won't either!".
Anheuser
a woman walks into a bar and sits down. the bartender walks over and says, "what can i get you?" the woman
replies, "I would like a light beer please." the bartender says "what kind, maam", to which she answers,
"I don't care, you pick." after a moment the bartender says, "Anheuser Busch?" and the woman says,
"Just fine, how's your dick?"
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
01. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
02. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
03. Beer has never caused a major war.
04. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
05. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
06. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
07. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
08. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
09. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
01. It's an incentive to show up.
02. It reduces stress.
03. It leads to more honest communications.
04. It reduces complaints about low pay.
05. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
06. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
07. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
08. It encourages carpooling.
09. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:
01. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
02. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
03. You're as jober as a sudge
04. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
05. You fall off the floor
06. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up
99 Reasons why beer is better than women
01. You can enjoy a beer all month.
02. Beer stains wash out.
03. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
04. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
05. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
06. Beer is never late.
07. Hangovers eventually go away.
08. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
09. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
The Drinker's Alphabet
A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B - Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D - Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F - Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G - Games: Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H - Hang - over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I - Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O - Oh shit! - What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning - YUCK!
R - Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T - Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U - Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W - Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week - end
Z - Zoned: How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a
beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get
up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Q: Whats the difference between a Indian sqaw and a Indian Princess?
A: About 5 beers
Q: What do you call 1 white man surrounded by 20 indians?
A: Bartender.
Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Q: Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A: They're both f***ing close to water.
Q: What is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes women better than whisky
Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream
Beer Whores, Unite!
Pop the top, let that beverage pour,
Yes, it's true, I'm a beer whore.
When I whisper sweet things in your ear,
It's not you I want, freak, it's your beer.
So take your watered-down punch home.
I like a drink that's got some foam.
Miller, Bud, Coors, Heineken too,
I like a guy that smells like brew.
Don't you want to see my prettiest smile?
It's a dead man who tries to satisfy me with Old Style.
I can be mean, or I can treat you right.
It's the difference between Heine and Natural Light.
Give it to me in a bottle or in a can.
Did anyone ever tell you you're an attractive man?
What's that? You have a case you say?
You remind me of Mel Gibson in every way.
Now that I've drained the keg, could you get your hand off my leg?
There are other frat boys with beer, you see.
I'd kiss you if you didn't nauseate me.
The Beer Prayer
Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed by thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, i will be drunk, at home, as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive our spillage, as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager, forever and ever.
Amen.
Beer Poem
He grabbed me around my slender neck
i could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his dingy room
where we could not be seen.
He tore away my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was so cold and damp and scared
while he was dry and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
i could not make him stop.
He drained me of my inner self
i gave him every drop.
Then he cast me from his side
so now you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away
that once was full of beer.
Thoughts on Beer and Drinking
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team,
or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make
water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to
killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Beer Song
My uncle had a beer gut, it weighed 300 pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks in to Woody's bar
His beer gut payes for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car.
Nutsey's got a beer gut it gets bigger every year
Since nutsey gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day the sun kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back in to the water.
(chorus)
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, its a friend who's always near
And all you have to do is feed it lots of beer.
Mungo drank a poney keg at Droopy Yahos wedding
His eyes went rolling round the room and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz cause they where passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door.
I took my date into the sauna upon the bench we sat
She pointed and she said I never seen one big as that
She held it and she stroked and she told me with a smile
Body builders make me sick but beer guts drive me wild.
(chorus)
Another Beer Song
Do... the stuff that buys me beer
Re... the guy that sells me beer
Me... the one who buys the beer
Fa... how long I'd run for beer
So... I think I'll have a beer
La... La, la, la, la, la beer
Ti... No thanks, I'll have a beer
Do... (Go back to beginning)
And that's all, folks!